Nice Guys Finish Last?
Ok David, let's put the cow stories on hold for a minute and restart the debating bit of this blog. For those who haven't read Kay's recent post on "nice guys finish last" check it out first. With regards to nice guys finishing last, Kay makes a connection between "nice guys finish last" and "the guys without backbones finish last." Admittedly, there do exist nice guys who finish last and who you can describe as nice because they don't have a backbone. To those guys, well, it's something to work on because as to what Kay says about guys without backbones, I think she's right. For goodness sakes, if you're the kind of person who will do anything just because your girlfriend (or girl_friend or female acquaintance whom you're interested in or whatever) asks of it, even if it's completely unreasonable, there's something wrong. It's called the doormat syndrome that is surprisingly more acceptable (or looked over) between a guy and a girl who are seeing each other than someone who is generally afflicted with the doormat syndrome as an attitude towards life. You submitting to the girl/guy you're interested in all the time is really no different than submitting to everything else in life the same way. The basic principle of you wanting to please without considering yourself is the same.
Now, passing over that, I come to the next point in this post. Nice guys are NOT always synonymous with guys without backbones. I've known (and met at Queens) guys who do have a backbone and will stand up for themselves within reason, but are also genuinely nice, dependable guys. These are the guys who will tell you, with a smile and no apology that they aren't going to out drinking with you because they have an 8:30 class the next day. These are the guys you can call at 4 in the morning if you have a problem, but won't let you call them at the same time "just cause you're bored." They're the guys that will tell you that they can't go out tonight because they have a soccer game already lined up with friends, but invite you to come play soccer. You get the idea. I've going to center the remainer of my post about these guys. The ones who genuinely good people with a sense of compromise and equity but finish last anyways. And it happens. Believe me, it happens. But like Kay, this is also drawn from my personal experience and interpretation. If it were not considered an act of indiscretion, I'd post excerpts of email exchanges that have dealt with this matter specifically, but they take into account too many personal sides.
Most people have a cynical viewpoint about "love" or "relationships" or whatnot. As far as my experience goes, people don't go into relationships expecting it to last forever and people have grown to believe that anytime you break up with someone, you and her/him will hate each other forever. It's sad, but it's true. The idea of a "good" breakup doesn't seem to exist anymore. This is where it begins to break down for the "nice guy" as I shall continue to call him. Generally, they're the guys that girls talk to when they're unhappy because well, nice guys tend to be sensitive and/or understand... certainly much more so than "mean guys" or "egocentric guys." So all goes well, the nice guy listens to the girl, does the sensitive bit, and lo and behold, she feels better. We've all seen this happen and the rest is history. But what does that mean?! It means that in an instant, that nice guy has suddenly become important to the girl not only as a friend, but as someone who's dependable and who she can go to when she's having a really crappy day. That doesn't sound like a bad thing does it? Well, as far as relationships go, that's DEADLY!!!!!!!! I may be exaggerating the case here, but bear with it, it's a fun viewpoint (as serious as I am on this topic).
Anyhow, why is it deadly? Because that nice guy, in an instant, because invaluable. And as I have pointed out earlier, people have cynical viewpoints about "love" or "relationships." Because some (or most or at least a number of) girls believe that breaking up with someone essentially destroys the friendship, they don't want to risk such a "great friendship" with the nice guy by going out with him and them breaking up with him, potentially losing the friendship. And I'm not just "speculating" about how women think, this is a story I've heard personally from both guys and girls on numerous occasions. It's the same theory behind why people "say" never to date your best friend; because you've got such a great friendship going that to risk it by going out and then breaking up seems stupid. Some of you may remember how much controversy I caused when I posted the quote
“When friends fall in love, it means it was meant to be, but when friends fall out of love, it means they want to keep each other forever.”
-- Anonymous
Do you all remember how heated the response was?! It was like people refused to believe that falling out of love meant you could still retain a friendship. Those were the days. But I digress. I had another train of thought here but I lost it so I'll just end it here. So do nice guys finish last? Sad to say but sometimes, even those with backbones do.
Now, passing over that, I come to the next point in this post. Nice guys are NOT always synonymous with guys without backbones. I've known (and met at Queens) guys who do have a backbone and will stand up for themselves within reason, but are also genuinely nice, dependable guys. These are the guys who will tell you, with a smile and no apology that they aren't going to out drinking with you because they have an 8:30 class the next day. These are the guys you can call at 4 in the morning if you have a problem, but won't let you call them at the same time "just cause you're bored." They're the guys that will tell you that they can't go out tonight because they have a soccer game already lined up with friends, but invite you to come play soccer. You get the idea. I've going to center the remainer of my post about these guys. The ones who genuinely good people with a sense of compromise and equity but finish last anyways. And it happens. Believe me, it happens. But like Kay, this is also drawn from my personal experience and interpretation. If it were not considered an act of indiscretion, I'd post excerpts of email exchanges that have dealt with this matter specifically, but they take into account too many personal sides.
Most people have a cynical viewpoint about "love" or "relationships" or whatnot. As far as my experience goes, people don't go into relationships expecting it to last forever and people have grown to believe that anytime you break up with someone, you and her/him will hate each other forever. It's sad, but it's true. The idea of a "good" breakup doesn't seem to exist anymore. This is where it begins to break down for the "nice guy" as I shall continue to call him. Generally, they're the guys that girls talk to when they're unhappy because well, nice guys tend to be sensitive and/or understand... certainly much more so than "mean guys" or "egocentric guys." So all goes well, the nice guy listens to the girl, does the sensitive bit, and lo and behold, she feels better. We've all seen this happen and the rest is history. But what does that mean?! It means that in an instant, that nice guy has suddenly become important to the girl not only as a friend, but as someone who's dependable and who she can go to when she's having a really crappy day. That doesn't sound like a bad thing does it? Well, as far as relationships go, that's DEADLY!!!!!!!! I may be exaggerating the case here, but bear with it, it's a fun viewpoint (as serious as I am on this topic).
Anyhow, why is it deadly? Because that nice guy, in an instant, because invaluable. And as I have pointed out earlier, people have cynical viewpoints about "love" or "relationships." Because some (or most or at least a number of) girls believe that breaking up with someone essentially destroys the friendship, they don't want to risk such a "great friendship" with the nice guy by going out with him and them breaking up with him, potentially losing the friendship. And I'm not just "speculating" about how women think, this is a story I've heard personally from both guys and girls on numerous occasions. It's the same theory behind why people "say" never to date your best friend; because you've got such a great friendship going that to risk it by going out and then breaking up seems stupid. Some of you may remember how much controversy I caused when I posted the quote
“When friends fall in love, it means it was meant to be, but when friends fall out of love, it means they want to keep each other forever.”
-- Anonymous
Do you all remember how heated the response was?! It was like people refused to believe that falling out of love meant you could still retain a friendship. Those were the days. But I digress. I had another train of thought here but I lost it so I'll just end it here. So do nice guys finish last? Sad to say but sometimes, even those with backbones do.
posted by JW at 12:00 PM
2 Comments:
hmm straight up dude about the guys with the backbones..
holy shit dude? you fucking read me like a fucking book...
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