On Rejection
What is with me these days? I seem to be running into life's incongruous angles left, right, and center everywhere I turn. I had another conversation with Goddard today (another correlation... though there is possible causality here) and it brought to a front something else I've noticed recently that I have actual personal experience with. Finally, for once, not a theoretical post. Or at least, less theoretical than the recent trend.
About a month ago, I told a girl a liked her. That did not go so well but that's life sometimes. It's not a big deal. Or at least, I didn't think it was a big deal. But the after effects are really annoying me now and I'm being exposed to a facet of social interaction I've never really truly been on a wrong end of before. Hence my posting about it in an attempt to figure it out.
But anyway. So that happened awhile ago. And from my understanding of our "social rules" (as I have learned them), there is supposed to be a period of awkwardness after this happens. I don't fully feel this way myself but we all know I'm weird like that. But I will accept that part of our society is to be awkward around each other after a failed attempt at asking out. Fair enough I guess. So I gave her... I don't know, a week or something, and I went and asked her if things were ok between us. She said yes. I'm pretty sure she was lying to my face at the time but how was I supposed to know this. But that's not the point.
The point is this. Social ineptness yes. But while my SQ (Social Quotient) is practically non-existent, my EQ (Emotional Quotient) is pretty high. I guess this stuff is supposed to balance itself out somehow (I think I do pretty well in the IQ department too. 2 out of 3 ain't bad I guess). I've talked about this before and how as unaware as I am of social cues, I am equally sensitive to emotions, moods, vibes, and energies. And what disturbs me is this. I have since that time, been getting very cold and very negative vibes from this girl. And I know this especially since I have a point of comparison; they are completely opposite from the type of energy she was putting off before that fateful asking-out incident about a month back. Now, awkwardness be damned, what in the HELL did I do to warrent this?! And I'm not so much indignant (though I may sound it) as I am puzzled and annoyed. You would think that I had offended or insulted her from the cold shoulder I'm getting. Seriously, all I did was tell her I liked her. Even if she did not reciprocate, it should at least be taken as a compliment! We are way beyond "awkwardness" at this point. And for the life of me, I can't figure it out.
I know I'm weird. But I'm going to compare this to my own experience anyway (see, practical... not theoretical). Whenever a girl has told me she liked me in the past, my first thought (after my initial "shit, how do I reject her nicely?" moment of panic) is almost always one of admiration. Because it takes guts to ask someone out. Good looking people tend to forget this from time to time. Or at least, people who get asked out a lot tend to forget this (so as to not generalize and lump the good looking people who don't get asked out a lot with those who do). But yeah, it takes moral fiber. And it should be respected. And I find (and this is why I'm so puzzled at my own situation) that after I tell someone I don't reciprocate their feelings... and I guess after that initial period of obligatory social awkwardness, I tend to become nicer to them than I did before. That's right. I tend to try to be more attentive to them and I tend to... do everything in my power to make them feel like things really are ok between us and that I still like their company and I still want them to be a part of my life, even if not in the way they had hoped for. Because while asking someone out naturally includes the possibility that you will get rejected, you don't deserve to be rejected AND cast out of that person's life. Can you imagine how daunting the asking out process would be if, instead of the question being "will he/she say yes or no," it was a question of "will he/she say yes or no and I don't want you in my life anymore now that you've brought it to my attention that you harbor romantic feelings towards me". I mean, I feel guilty enough rejecting a girl. I certainly don't want to be in any way responsible for making her feel like it's not worth asking a guy out because he'll cast you out of his life once he finds out you like him. Like I said, it takes guts to ask someone out. The least you can do is respect that.
This all brings me back to how puzzled I am now at my current situation. If you asked me "would you still have asked her out if you knew she was going to say no," my answer would probably be yes. But if you asked me "would you still have asked her out if you knew she was never going to speak to you ever again after saying no," I feel like my answer would likely be different. You're telling me that before this, I liked her, she didn't know this, and things were great between us but suddenly, now that she knows I like(d) her, she suddenly wants nothing to do with me? Like what the hell? Apparently, she couldn't just take it as a bloody compliment and move on. Even Katie, who I had MUCH less reason for asking out, who had a much better reason for giving me a cold shoulder, made every attempt when I saw her to at least talk to me and to diffuse awkwardness. I will never figure out this human nature business.
If I committed a cardinal sin somewhere and am doing this girl a huge injustice, someone please point this out to me. I would hate to slander her...
About a month ago, I told a girl a liked her. That did not go so well but that's life sometimes. It's not a big deal. Or at least, I didn't think it was a big deal. But the after effects are really annoying me now and I'm being exposed to a facet of social interaction I've never really truly been on a wrong end of before. Hence my posting about it in an attempt to figure it out.
But anyway. So that happened awhile ago. And from my understanding of our "social rules" (as I have learned them), there is supposed to be a period of awkwardness after this happens. I don't fully feel this way myself but we all know I'm weird like that. But I will accept that part of our society is to be awkward around each other after a failed attempt at asking out. Fair enough I guess. So I gave her... I don't know, a week or something, and I went and asked her if things were ok between us. She said yes. I'm pretty sure she was lying to my face at the time but how was I supposed to know this. But that's not the point.
The point is this. Social ineptness yes. But while my SQ (Social Quotient) is practically non-existent, my EQ (Emotional Quotient) is pretty high. I guess this stuff is supposed to balance itself out somehow (I think I do pretty well in the IQ department too. 2 out of 3 ain't bad I guess). I've talked about this before and how as unaware as I am of social cues, I am equally sensitive to emotions, moods, vibes, and energies. And what disturbs me is this. I have since that time, been getting very cold and very negative vibes from this girl. And I know this especially since I have a point of comparison; they are completely opposite from the type of energy she was putting off before that fateful asking-out incident about a month back. Now, awkwardness be damned, what in the HELL did I do to warrent this?! And I'm not so much indignant (though I may sound it) as I am puzzled and annoyed. You would think that I had offended or insulted her from the cold shoulder I'm getting. Seriously, all I did was tell her I liked her. Even if she did not reciprocate, it should at least be taken as a compliment! We are way beyond "awkwardness" at this point. And for the life of me, I can't figure it out.
I know I'm weird. But I'm going to compare this to my own experience anyway (see, practical... not theoretical). Whenever a girl has told me she liked me in the past, my first thought (after my initial "shit, how do I reject her nicely?" moment of panic) is almost always one of admiration. Because it takes guts to ask someone out. Good looking people tend to forget this from time to time. Or at least, people who get asked out a lot tend to forget this (so as to not generalize and lump the good looking people who don't get asked out a lot with those who do). But yeah, it takes moral fiber. And it should be respected. And I find (and this is why I'm so puzzled at my own situation) that after I tell someone I don't reciprocate their feelings... and I guess after that initial period of obligatory social awkwardness, I tend to become nicer to them than I did before. That's right. I tend to try to be more attentive to them and I tend to... do everything in my power to make them feel like things really are ok between us and that I still like their company and I still want them to be a part of my life, even if not in the way they had hoped for. Because while asking someone out naturally includes the possibility that you will get rejected, you don't deserve to be rejected AND cast out of that person's life. Can you imagine how daunting the asking out process would be if, instead of the question being "will he/she say yes or no," it was a question of "will he/she say yes or no and I don't want you in my life anymore now that you've brought it to my attention that you harbor romantic feelings towards me". I mean, I feel guilty enough rejecting a girl. I certainly don't want to be in any way responsible for making her feel like it's not worth asking a guy out because he'll cast you out of his life once he finds out you like him. Like I said, it takes guts to ask someone out. The least you can do is respect that.
This all brings me back to how puzzled I am now at my current situation. If you asked me "would you still have asked her out if you knew she was going to say no," my answer would probably be yes. But if you asked me "would you still have asked her out if you knew she was never going to speak to you ever again after saying no," I feel like my answer would likely be different. You're telling me that before this, I liked her, she didn't know this, and things were great between us but suddenly, now that she knows I like(d) her, she suddenly wants nothing to do with me? Like what the hell? Apparently, she couldn't just take it as a bloody compliment and move on. Even Katie, who I had MUCH less reason for asking out, who had a much better reason for giving me a cold shoulder, made every attempt when I saw her to at least talk to me and to diffuse awkwardness. I will never figure out this human nature business.
If I committed a cardinal sin somewhere and am doing this girl a huge injustice, someone please point this out to me. I would hate to slander her...
posted by JW at 1:17 PM
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